My Nightmare

My nightmares never prepared me for this.

If you were thinking the silence wasn't good news, then you were right. Our little one just couldn't fight anymore. To say that we're heartbroken - it doesn't even begin to fully capture the grief. I always feared having a miscarriage, of losing a baby that I'd never get to meet. But I never, EVER, fully grasped how painful it would be. I know people who have had miscarriages. I know people who have lost late-term babies. I know people who lost their babies only hours after being born. I never imagined how severe the heartbreak would be with a miscarriage. I know how deep the grief is for a couple who loses a baby farther along, or even after he/she arrives. But I never knew the depth of pain you feel with a miscarriage. I'd always thought it was painful, but, I suppose, because there's less time of attachment, that it would be something you could recover from. I'm sure that the different situations I'm talking about here  are not comparable, but for me, this is what I personally know now. And I know it hurts. I didn't think it would hurt this bad.

I think that it's all of the thoughts that having a miscarriage involves. About how it took us 8 months to even concieve - is it going to take that long, or longer, again? About how I had already starting picturing the Goose, at 2 1/2 years, as a big brother - now how old will he be? And 2 1/2 years apart - just like me and my brother, how great. About how I (and my father - the 100% accurate baby predictor) was convinced it was a little girl - was that our only chance for a girl (I'd be happy with any baby, of course, but I've always hoped to have a daughter)? About how I planned to tell everyone else at a family party - now I'll just be sad and drunk, and not pregnant.
About everything that was going to change...

I think somewhere, somehow, I knew something wasn't right. Just little feelings...like how the first few pregnancy sticks were never as dark as with the Goose, and how I stopped myself from using all the pregnancy sticks "in case" I thought something was going wrong down the line. About how we couldn't think of a cute knickname, but the Goose was "Little Squishy" from the very beginning. About how easily I put being pregnant out of my mind to keep my excitement hidden for the first trimester. About how it just never felt like it did with the Goose.
But I blew it off as "2nd baby syndrome" - telling myself that everything was less "exciting" because it was the 2nd time around. That it was all less exciting so that we could keep it a secret.

Don't get me wrong, I was crazy excited. But you know that feeling, when you just sort of...know? I'm sure I'm crazy, but I think I always had that feeling. When we went for that first sonogram last Tuesday, I feel like I knew exactly what they were going to tell me. And it came true. I wasn't "butterflies in the stomach" excited. I was "let's get this over with but I'm hoping for the best" excited.

I can't explain it. Somehow, on some twisted level, everything felt "right" when we got bad news. As though I would have been blown out of the water if we had gotten good news. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, and actually sounds horrible - but it's what I feel.

To make this whole shitty situation even worse...there's more bad news - x2.
One: it's not over. While we know our little one's heart has stopped beating, he/she's still in there. Nothing "physical" has happened yet. We're just waiting for this horrible, terrible thing to happen. I think that's when I'll really be a mess. Up till now I've been outwardly okay. I've been at work, I've been mostly fine around others, I've been able to do almost everything like normal. Once this is totally, completely over - it's going to really kill me. And knowing that this is going to happen, but not knowing when - it's the worst.
Second: (and this is just simple cruel fate) my SIL found out she was pregnant and due only about a week behind me. I thought that this was going to be the hardest months of my life - to see my SIL pregnant and having a baby all while I should have had the same. Well, if you didn't guess by my use of past tense, she miscarried too. She went through the physical motions before even getting to her first appointment. How could fate be this cruel to give a family two expected babies, but take them both away before they ever made it into our arms (not to mention that my other SIL lost her son just after birth 3 years back)? I just cannot believe that this has happened. I thought watching my SIL go through her pregnancy was going to be hard. Life just proved to me that watching her go through this with me has been even harder. No good news for any of us to share.

I realize this has turned into a sad babbling mess. But I'm not sorry. Because I need to get this out. None of my friends or coworkers, and most family don't know And I can't find the strength to call them up and talk about it. Not because I think they won't be sensitive or anything like that (well, that is a thought, but not what's stopping me). Because I simply cannot say the words out loud. I don't want to fall apart. I don't want to talk about it. Someday I will, but not right now. I think I need to process this all, by myself. I just can't say the words out loud. I haven't had to, except once with the second round of nurses and ultrasound techs at our second sonogram. Anyone else who's had to have it explained to them, M has told.

Which reminds me, I absolutely couldn't do this without him. He has been everything I need while going through this. He's the only one I feel comfortable to be sad with, and cry with openly (not to say it hasn't happened with anyone else). And he lets me. And he's stepped in where I've fallen apart. All while going through this himself. He's absolutely heartbroken. I'm sure he's just about the most sensitive manly man I've ever come across in my life. He just feels. He's cried with me. He's cried alone, just like me. His dreams have died too. But he's been my rock. And I can't ever put into words how amazing that is.

That's all I can get out today...

Heavy Heart

I had nightmares about being here, but here we are. Please pray for our little one. He/she is measuring way behind, but still in there and beating its little heart away. It's going to take a miracle, but I'm not above pleading with God for just that. It's hard to think of what might be ahead of us, so I just have to keep praying and remind myself miracles happen.
Please pray for what we hope will be our little miracle...

7 Weeks

7 weeks

Sorry it's so dark. Not sorry for the cuteness that is the Goose.
Maybe/Maybe not sorry for the TV babysitting going on while I get ready for work.

How far along? 7 weeks

Total weight gain? Still no weight info.

Maternity clothes? Nope. Pants are getting tight on this bloat. I'll have to start considering pulling out the maternity clothes. I had mostly summer clothes, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to be making more purchases than I'd like for a second time around-er.

Best moment this week? The Goose did amazing in his bed transition. It was as though nothing had changed. M said he had a bit of trouble with naptime one day, but that's it. In fact, it's only been an improvement (he went back to sleeping a little later). He never ceases to amaze me. I cannot be grateful enough.

Symptoms? Sore boobs kicked in, but nothing serious. Also picked up a bit of nausea, but again, nothing that doesn't go away. Tired, but no more than before. I find the more I do, the more energy I have. If I succumb to the exhaustion, I can't find a way out. Overall, very happy and no complaints.

Cravings? Still on an american cheese kick. I definitely crave not so healthy foods all the time, but I'm trying my best to balance my cravings with what I know I should be eating. I think I'm doing better this time than with my last pregnancy. I gave into every craving right away. This time around I want to be a lot more focused on nutrition. Trust me, I'm not talking about a diet. I'm talking about focusing on great, healthy foods. Something I should do all the time. I don't know how well I'll do (I'm not setting super high expectations, I know myself), but I think if I always at least keep it in mind, I will do better than last time.

Sleep? Glorious

Milestones/What's going on with Baby? The little has doubled in size since last week - amazing. Some form of feet and hands are showing up. The brain is growing (duh) and the liver is making red blood cells for the makings of bone marrow. He/She is the size of a blueberry - watch out!

What are you most looking forward to this week? We go on Tuesday for the level one sonogram. This is exciting for a few reasons, besides the obvious  - we *with every prayer I have* get to see the little Goose#2 and the heartbeat. First, I wasn't sure I'd get a level one sono when going to a midwife. I know many people who didn't. She gave me the option and it's covered so, no brainer. Two, the sonogram takes place in the hospital/birthing center where I'll be set to deliver at. Obviously it's early on, but it will be great to creep around and check the place out in person. Three, this will totally put everyone's reservations at ease over me using a midwife. My paren'ts and M were worried about what kind of care I'd get with a midwife vs an OB. They all seem relieved that the care, so far, seems the same. In my mind, whatever it takes to make them feel more at ease makes me happy. I know this is all different to them and they have their doubts. It boggles my mind why this train of thought exists for us today, but I understand. And I just want to open everyone's eyes and fully trust my midwife the way I do. So a win-win on all accounts.
Also on the agenda this week: getting my first full sit down with the midwife, getting all the nitty gritty of what she'll expect and what I can expect and all that good stuff. My first meeting with her was just a "let's see if this fits" type deal. Now we're on to focusing on this baby and this pregnancy. I couldn't be more excited. Although I hope there's no bloodwork. I hate needles and they suck. I'm a giant baby about it.

Planning: Car Party

I promised it, and look at me! Coming through on a promised post.

I wen't back and forth on whether to do a music-themed or a car-themed party. Cars won out because he just doesn't seem to get tired of them. He especially loves the little and medium sized metal cars we pick up at the local pharmacies. Anytime we go to a park or the beach he's always trying to swipe other kids' cars. Kid has a musical inclination and loves to dance and sing, but he's simply obsessed with cars, wheels, trains and any moving object, really. Cars it is.

I'll try to move this along (less words, more pictures) and show you my "Pinspiration", and what I'm specifically planning. Like last year's party, I'm sure I won't get to all my planned ideas, but I'm hoping to get at least most of them. I've kept the colors to navy blue and orange, though I'll also be using a lot of kraft paper and burlap, so I'm hoping to go for a bit of a vintage feel with pops of navy and orange (the Goose's colors, at least in our house). We'll decorate with streamers, balloons, lanterns and some fabric pennants. Let's get the planning started...

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How simple but "statement" making is this? Black plastic tablecloth roll taped to the floors with yellow duct tape lane lines? A must, the roll and duct tape is already ordered. And what's a big road without a car? I've been saving medium-large boxes and plan on making some cute cars for the kids to throw on and "drive" around in.

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Love those Rice Krispie traffic signs. I thought at first of doing these, but then thought they might be cute as graham crackers with nutella/frosting - a few less steps than making rice krispie treats.



 

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Adorable. Simple. Done. I also hope to make chocolate covered pretzels for "dipsticks".

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Easy. PB&J or whatever assortment. Maybe grilled cheese too. Have the cookie cutter, along with two or three more car shapes.

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These are too cute. These are a must as well. Pulled pork/chicken in hero/sub rolls - easy to make in a crock pot and a few minutes cutting the bread. I think I'll try to also do something similar with hot dogs for the kids, along with homemade chicken nuggests (no theme there). We'll also have adult food that won't be car themed (think 6ft hero or sandwich/wrap party platter)

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I love the idea of setting up a "Feuling Station". Drink dispensers, jugs, juices, water bottles. However it's done, it's cute.


We'll definitely have cupcakes and a small birthday cake, along with my famous chocolate chip cookies wrapped in cute kraft baggies. Of course, there are so many more adorable ideas out there, but I was trying to limit myself to what I think I could easily handle. I'll be making almost all the food, and some of the snacks. The decorating will probably be done a little before the day of, but mostly the setup and decorating will be done the day of. Being that I'm a procrastinator and am usually CLEANING the day of the party, I have to mentally force myself to clean in the days before (even though I'll be working), and also do some prep. I cannot procrastinate. I CANNOT procrastinate. The real kicker at this point is the invitations. Haven't picked them out or made them yet. I'm leaning towards making them, mostly because of time contstraints. We're looking at a little over a month away.

We'll hand out favor bags with snacks, crayons, bubbles and small wooden cars for each kid to decorate. And we'll probably plan for some low key activities, if any at all. I'm thinking red light green light 123, maybe set up a craft table?

So that's about it. I'm sure this will evolve into something a little different as time goes by.

PS: Did I mention that we'll also be doing a small party section and hosting some folks for our city's annual Irish Day...the very same day? Yes, we've decided to have our son's b-day party on a day when our friends (and sometimes us) and other adults normally get drunk and debaucherous and take over our town. We figured that way our friends without kids won't feel obligated to stay for the kiddie events, but they'll atleast have more of a reason to stop by, other than out of obligation. None of my friends have kids, or are even married. So while they love the Goose to pieces, I won't torture them by making them stay at my house for the length of a kiddie party. And if they do, they will at least have some Irish Car bombs to keep them company. Entertaining the crowds in two different way folks. We party hard, x's 2.

Commuter Chronicles: Newly Pregnant Edition

Stuffed subway cars with a killer sense of smell: bad. Very, VERY bad. I don't remember this from last time. Probably because I was newly pregnant in the winter last time round. I can normally withstand various bodily odors from the hot, sweaty summertime crowds (not without complaining, as proved in my previous posts). But today's ride downtown to catch my train home, it just about had me loosing my lunch. Luckily, it's only the first time. Hopefully it's also the last.

6 weeks

6 Weeks 

How far along? 6weeks 1 day - already posting these late, yikes!

Total weight gain? Still no weight info.

Maternity clothes? No, but the bloat is out of control. I could very well be paranoid, but I think people are literally checking out my gut.

Best moment this week? figuring out the midwife situation. I met with the midwife covered by my insurance, because no matter how things played out, I'd have to see her for at least my first trimester until we decided to switch insurance (if that's what we decided). It turns out, I loved her. Her bad reviews were all based off of personality and aspects of her protocol - both of which are a fit for me (she's deep, deep into the holistic stuff. It was clear the reviewers did not appreciate this). I cannot put into words what a sense of relief and excitement it is to meet with someone who sees things exactly as I do. It's as though I was speaking a foreign language to M, my parents, and doctors about my birth the last time around, and I've finally found someone who speaks the same language as me. I literally cried. M thought I was crazy, but I've never expected him to completely understand how important a natural birth (and a natural lifestyle in general) is to me, so I wasn't shocked at his reaction. It's like finally being able to breath. Dare I say I'm looking forward to this birth??? Quite dramatic, but totally true. Luckily, M is totally on board, and I feel that everyday he understands more and more.

Symptoms? falling asleep at 9:00 at night is different, but definitely a symptom I'm enjoying.

Cravings? Anything with american cheese. Grilled cheese, preferably. But everything else I'm eating is pretty healthy and somehow the last thing I want is chocolate or any type of "treat". Also craving seafood, but obviously taking it easy there. It doesn't help that M just picked up a fishing habit and comes home with fresh fish regularly.

Sleep? Glorious

Milestones/What's going on with Baby? The nose, mouth and ears are taking shape, as are the intenstines and what will eventually become his/her lungs. Little one is about the size of a lentil bean. Gotta love those fruit/food comparisons!

What are you most looking forward to this week? The Goose is beyond ready for a big bed. We've been noticing that he's slowly looking more and more uncomfortable in his crib. He tosses and turns looking for a comfy spot. Our observations point to the hard  crib mattress. He's always looking for softer things to lay on - blankets and stuffed animals. Seriuosly, kid has become a stuffed animal bedtime hoarder. And I'm not crazy about him being surrounded by stuffed animals in his sleep. Overall, his sleep is starting to suffer: he's always trying to get in our bed (which he's slept in all of one time for a nap, ever), he's waking up an hour earlier but not making up the time, and he just seems a little tired all day. I honestly don't know how the transition will go. He thoroughly enjoys putting himself to sleep, but he's always loved his crib. I hope the new bed doesn't mess with his great sleeping habits more than his discomfort in the crib does now. He's always transitioned to new situations very well, so I'm hoping this will go mostly okay. We'll be buying it tomorrow (Saturday), so hopefully, if there's a bad transition it will only take one night (one can dream right?). That way, if we have to suffer on no sleep, it will be a Sunday. Back to work on Monday! We're skipping the whole toddler bed and going straight to a twin bed. We don't have a need for more than necessary in this bungalow, and we often buy things that will be used for a longer time, rather than for certain phases.


I promise I'm putting together a post for the Goose's birthday...it's coming, it's coming!

iPhone Disaster

I nearly lost EVERY SINGLE picture that I had ever taken on any of my phones over the last 5 years. Nearly. Thank God! Joe from Arizona, working in the 5th Ave Apple store - I love you.
Maybe a cellphone-pic-hoarder dump in the near future???