The last "live" post you got from me was exactly two months ago, on 10/30. We were still staying with friends. While we're not there anymore, I'm sad to say we're not yet home. We've since stayed with grandparents, parents, and traveled to fill in the gap. We're now renting a house. It hasn't been easy but we're still so lucky. Our house took on a basement-full of water, destroying all of our utilities, washer/dryer, freezer, some personal stuff, our main floor floors, and most damaging -- our foundation. We moved into this rental space two weeks ago today. Sadly, it's in better shape than our preSandy house, though smaller. Our house will take a couple more months to fix, and on top of that, we decided to take advantage of being displaced and doing renovations so were doing a lot of our own renovations (can you say staircase, FINALLY). So you can tack on at least another couple months to that. Thus the reason we decided to rent a house.
I'm not gonna lie- it's sucked. The Goose asks everyday to "go now". Every.Day. Do you know how heartbreaking that is? No? Okay, now imagine you're a stranger and he begins in on his sob story of "our house broken. Daddy fix it. We at new house". Now is your heart broken? Yes? That's what I thought. But seriously, while he's noticed the difference and I know he senses we're not "home", he has transitioned well overall. Sleep took minimal adjustment, and the kid's got a bigger room (and bc of Christmas, more toys). We're settled in mostly okay, though it's a little difficult having half of your stuff in storage and the other half squished into an even smaller house that came furnished (which means we're paying a ridiculous amount in storage bc we needed to put more furniture than we wanted there instead of here). But, again, we're so lucky. We're not sleeping on air beds or putting people out of their rooms so we can crash. We truly are lucky.
And here are some of the things that help us remember that:
We had comparatively little damage compared to so many of our friends and neighbors.
One family friend had their entire home flood and lost everything they own. Their insurance is only covering the minimum. Complete Flood insurance is just not possible to get in our zone, so their story is the same as everyone else. Added to that is that their new location has the wife commuting 2.5 hrs in and out each day (that's 5 hrs total).
Another good friend had her basement and some of the first floor flood. Her parents' master suite is in the basement and they did clear out most of the important stuff before the storm. But what they forgot about was that they had kept some of their son's mementos down there. Their son who died on 9/11. I literally cried when my friend told me that. I can't even explain what heartache this must have caused them.
My best friend's home is built on the water, on stilts. Her house will be knocked down shortly. She is 30 years old and owns a two story home on her own... impressive. And now she doesn't know how she'll pay for what her insurance won't cover. My heart is breaking.
Two family friends, mother and daughter/son in law lost everything. Their homes are gutted floor to roof. FEMA has denied them and insurance will not cover so much of what needs to be done.
Everyone has lost at least one car, usually more, including ourselves.
My hometown is so unrecognizable. It brings me to tears every time I'm there. People are still without power. The boardwalk is gone. Homes, buildings, businesses are all gone. And it's the same here and everywhere hit.
It is literally unbelievable. It's devastating. It's heartbreaking. It's just...horrible.
I'm sorry to be doing this so much lately, but that's all I've got right now. I promise, there is also so much good going on. SO MUCH. And I can't wait to tell those stories. Because they're what really matters in all of this. The good is triumphing and you'll hear all about it...
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Still here
I wrote the below post on 10/25. I never finished and then Sandy came. I'll be writing up a post on all things going on with us and how we're making out, but for now, this needed to be put out there. It's still unfinished, but I couldn't dare pretend to be back in that place. I just want to remember it.
Yes, it's been a while, but I'm still alive (physically, at least). From where we left off, it's been a bit of hell. Part of me thought of writing everything down, documenting. Because it was others' stories about their experience that helped me. But I didn't. I couldn't. Maybe I will someday. I just know I don't really want to go back there.
Here's the short story:
We waited for things to happen naturally.
They didn't.
I took Cytotec, in which I met my darkest hour as a human being yet. Physical torments combined with the emotional. Yes, my own personal hell.
Went along for two weeks thinking all was fine.
Checkup still showed "tissue".
After a month and a half of darkness and trying to avoid it, I ended up having a D&C.
It's like my body wanted me to experience all three ways of ending a miscarriage so that the rawness of this really stung down to my bones. I never, EVER want to go through it again. EVER. Do you hear me God?
It's amazing how many people experience this. I knew the numbers were high. But after having to tell some people (for work and other reasons), it really just makes a small part of my barely-alive heart die to hear how many times this happens. A distant friend of mine had 5 miscarriages. FIVE. Thank God she's currently pregnant, but not without it's own complications - she lost one of the two miracles she was supposed to be meeting.
I just don't know how I even feel about it all now. I'm obviously happy that the whole physical part of it is over. But how do I move forward? I will never, ever forget that there was once a little soul living within me. But that ache for another child; a sibling, to be pregnant again, it grows even impossibly stronger every.single.day. Stronger than the fear that something could happen again. And, call me stupid, but I just feel in my heart that our next time will work out. I know that whatever happens is our story -- meant to be. But I'm just torn about how much it feels like this will one day be a forgotten memory. I mean, I know it won't. But I can't help but feel like, now that all the raw pain has faded somewhat, will this be "no big deal" the way it was before any of this happened? Will I always feel like I lost a child, and not just an early pregnancy? Because that's how it felt - that I had lost a child. But I honestly can say that a lot of the initial stinging-loss is gone. Is it simply because we're already moving forward? I just don't want to feel like this was all just another "1 in 4". I want to know that I'll always keep this experience, and little one, close to my heart.
Yes, it's been a while, but I'm still alive (physically, at least). From where we left off, it's been a bit of hell. Part of me thought of writing everything down, documenting. Because it was others' stories about their experience that helped me. But I didn't. I couldn't. Maybe I will someday. I just know I don't really want to go back there.
Here's the short story:
We waited for things to happen naturally.
They didn't.
I took Cytotec, in which I met my darkest hour as a human being yet. Physical torments combined with the emotional. Yes, my own personal hell.
Went along for two weeks thinking all was fine.
Checkup still showed "tissue".
After a month and a half of darkness and trying to avoid it, I ended up having a D&C.
It's like my body wanted me to experience all three ways of ending a miscarriage so that the rawness of this really stung down to my bones. I never, EVER want to go through it again. EVER. Do you hear me God?
It's amazing how many people experience this. I knew the numbers were high. But after having to tell some people (for work and other reasons), it really just makes a small part of my barely-alive heart die to hear how many times this happens. A distant friend of mine had 5 miscarriages. FIVE. Thank God she's currently pregnant, but not without it's own complications - she lost one of the two miracles she was supposed to be meeting.
I just don't know how I even feel about it all now. I'm obviously happy that the whole physical part of it is over. But how do I move forward? I will never, ever forget that there was once a little soul living within me. But that ache for another child; a sibling, to be pregnant again, it grows even impossibly stronger every.single.day. Stronger than the fear that something could happen again. And, call me stupid, but I just feel in my heart that our next time will work out. I know that whatever happens is our story -- meant to be. But I'm just torn about how much it feels like this will one day be a forgotten memory. I mean, I know it won't. But I can't help but feel like, now that all the raw pain has faded somewhat, will this be "no big deal" the way it was before any of this happened? Will I always feel like I lost a child, and not just an early pregnancy? Because that's how it felt - that I had lost a child. But I honestly can say that a lot of the initial stinging-loss is gone. Is it simply because we're already moving forward? I just don't want to feel like this was all just another "1 in 4". I want to know that I'll always keep this experience, and little one, close to my heart.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
2012 Can Suck It
Posting from our Hurricane Sandy retreat. We were so lucky that a friend of ours opened their home to us in our time of need. Because we almost didn't leave. We didn't want to and literally turned the car around, changing our minds and deciding to stay. But "something" was telling us to go. So we turned around again and rerouted back onto our evacuation journey. And thank every little star and all that is holy that we listened to that "something".
Our town resembles a war zone. Too, too many friends and family have lost everything. My hometown where I grew up and the town I now call home are both beyond devastation. They don't resemble anything I know. Homes are burnt to the ground. People are homeless. People are missing. People are forever changed.
And yet there is this inspirational spirit that lives in our community. All of us somehow, feeling blessed. That we have each other. Because we don't let each other down. Our blood runs thick with strength and seawater, and we use them both to carry each other through any of the hard times that come our way. Churches are gone and yet were all thanking God. Because we're alive. And have each other. It's truly the most amazing thing to be apart of. I couldn't be any prouder.
Stay strong Rockaway, Long Beach, Breezy Point and Roxbury. We'll all make it through. Because we have each other.
Not that I'm here often anyway, but I'll definitely be out of touch. We are lucky enough to have a home, but it's going to take some work to make it liveable. We don't know where we'll live for a while, but we know we'll be okay. Please send your prayers and positive thoughts to us beach people. We could surely use it.
Our town resembles a war zone. Too, too many friends and family have lost everything. My hometown where I grew up and the town I now call home are both beyond devastation. They don't resemble anything I know. Homes are burnt to the ground. People are homeless. People are missing. People are forever changed.
And yet there is this inspirational spirit that lives in our community. All of us somehow, feeling blessed. That we have each other. Because we don't let each other down. Our blood runs thick with strength and seawater, and we use them both to carry each other through any of the hard times that come our way. Churches are gone and yet were all thanking God. Because we're alive. And have each other. It's truly the most amazing thing to be apart of. I couldn't be any prouder.
Stay strong Rockaway, Long Beach, Breezy Point and Roxbury. We'll all make it through. Because we have each other.
Not that I'm here often anyway, but I'll definitely be out of touch. We are lucky enough to have a home, but it's going to take some work to make it liveable. We don't know where we'll live for a while, but we know we'll be okay. Please send your prayers and positive thoughts to us beach people. We could surely use it.
Friday, September 14, 2012
My Nightmare
My nightmares never prepared me for this.
If you were thinking the silence wasn't good news, then you were right. Our little one just couldn't fight anymore. To say that we're heartbroken - it doesn't even begin to fully capture the grief. I always feared having a miscarriage, of losing a baby that I'd never get to meet. But I never, EVER, fully grasped how painful it would be. I know people who have had miscarriages. I know people who have lost late-term babies. I know people who lost their babies only hours after being born. I never imagined how severe the heartbreak would be with a miscarriage. I know how deep the grief is for a couple who loses a baby farther along, or even after he/she arrives. But I never knew the depth of pain you feel with a miscarriage. I'd always thought it was painful, but, I suppose, because there's less time of attachment, that it would be something you could recover from. I'm sure that the different situations I'm talking about here are not comparable, but for me, this is what I personally know now. And I know it hurts. I didn't think it would hurt this bad.
I think that it's all of the thoughts that having a miscarriage involves. About how it took us 8 months to even concieve - is it going to take that long, or longer, again? About how I had already starting picturing the Goose, at 2 1/2 years, as a big brother - now how old will he be? And 2 1/2 years apart - just like me and my brother, how great. About how I (and my father - the 100% accurate baby predictor) was convinced it was a little girl - was that our only chance for a girl (I'd be happy with any baby, of course, but I've always hoped to have a daughter)? About how I planned to tell everyone else at a family party - now I'll just be sad and drunk, and not pregnant.
About everything that was going to change...
I think somewhere, somehow, I knew something wasn't right. Just little feelings...like how the first few pregnancy sticks were never as dark as with the Goose, and how I stopped myself from using all the pregnancy sticks "in case" I thought something was going wrong down the line. About how we couldn't think of a cute knickname, but the Goose was "Little Squishy" from the very beginning. About how easily I put being pregnant out of my mind to keep my excitement hidden for the first trimester. About how it just never felt like it did with the Goose.
But I blew it off as "2nd baby syndrome" - telling myself that everything was less "exciting" because it was the 2nd time around. That it was all less exciting so that we could keep it a secret.
Don't get me wrong, I was crazy excited. But you know that feeling, when you just sort of...know? I'm sure I'm crazy, but I think I always had that feeling. When we went for that first sonogram last Tuesday, I feel like I knew exactly what they were going to tell me. And it came true. I wasn't "butterflies in the stomach" excited. I was "let's get this over with but I'm hoping for the best" excited.
I can't explain it. Somehow, on some twisted level, everything felt "right" when we got bad news. As though I would have been blown out of the water if we had gotten good news. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, and actually sounds horrible - but it's what I feel.
To make this whole shitty situation even worse...there's more bad news - x2.
One: it's not over. While we know our little one's heart has stopped beating, he/she's still in there. Nothing "physical" has happened yet. We're just waiting for this horrible, terrible thing to happen. I think that's when I'll really be a mess. Up till now I've been outwardly okay. I've been at work, I've been mostly fine around others, I've been able to do almost everything like normal. Once this is totally, completely over - it's going to really kill me. And knowing that this is going to happen, but not knowing when - it's the worst.
Second: (and this is just simple cruel fate) my SIL found out she was pregnant and due only about a week behind me. I thought that this was going to be the hardest months of my life - to see my SIL pregnant and having a baby all while I should have had the same. Well, if you didn't guess by my use of past tense, she miscarried too. She went through the physical motions before even getting to her first appointment. How could fate be this cruel to give a family two expected babies, but take them both away before they ever made it into our arms (not to mention that my other SIL lost her son just after birth 3 years back)? I just cannot believe that this has happened. I thought watching my SIL go through her pregnancy was going to be hard. Life just proved to me that watching her go through this with me has been even harder. No good news for any of us to share.
I realize this has turned into a sad babbling mess. But I'm not sorry. Because I need to get this out. None of my friends or coworkers, and most family don't know And I can't find the strength to call them up and talk about it. Not because I think they won't be sensitive or anything like that (well, that is a thought, but not what's stopping me). Because I simply cannot say the words out loud. I don't want to fall apart. I don't want to talk about it. Someday I will, but not right now. I think I need to process this all, by myself. I just can't say the words out loud. I haven't had to, except once with the second round of nurses and ultrasound techs at our second sonogram. Anyone else who's had to have it explained to them, M has told.
Which reminds me, I absolutely couldn't do this without him. He has been everything I need while going through this. He's the only one I feel comfortable to be sad with, and cry with openly (not to say it hasn't happened with anyone else). And he lets me. And he's stepped in where I've fallen apart. All while going through this himself. He's absolutely heartbroken. I'm sure he's just about the most sensitive manly man I've ever come across in my life. He just feels. He's cried with me. He's cried alone, just like me. His dreams have died too. But he's been my rock. And I can't ever put into words how amazing that is.
That's all I can get out today...
If you were thinking the silence wasn't good news, then you were right. Our little one just couldn't fight anymore. To say that we're heartbroken - it doesn't even begin to fully capture the grief. I always feared having a miscarriage, of losing a baby that I'd never get to meet. But I never, EVER, fully grasped how painful it would be. I know people who have had miscarriages. I know people who have lost late-term babies. I know people who lost their babies only hours after being born. I never imagined how severe the heartbreak would be with a miscarriage. I know how deep the grief is for a couple who loses a baby farther along, or even after he/she arrives. But I never knew the depth of pain you feel with a miscarriage. I'd always thought it was painful, but, I suppose, because there's less time of attachment, that it would be something you could recover from. I'm sure that the different situations I'm talking about here are not comparable, but for me, this is what I personally know now. And I know it hurts. I didn't think it would hurt this bad.
I think that it's all of the thoughts that having a miscarriage involves. About how it took us 8 months to even concieve - is it going to take that long, or longer, again? About how I had already starting picturing the Goose, at 2 1/2 years, as a big brother - now how old will he be? And 2 1/2 years apart - just like me and my brother, how great. About how I (and my father - the 100% accurate baby predictor) was convinced it was a little girl - was that our only chance for a girl (I'd be happy with any baby, of course, but I've always hoped to have a daughter)? About how I planned to tell everyone else at a family party - now I'll just be sad and drunk, and not pregnant.
About everything that was going to change...
I think somewhere, somehow, I knew something wasn't right. Just little feelings...like how the first few pregnancy sticks were never as dark as with the Goose, and how I stopped myself from using all the pregnancy sticks "in case" I thought something was going wrong down the line. About how we couldn't think of a cute knickname, but the Goose was "Little Squishy" from the very beginning. About how easily I put being pregnant out of my mind to keep my excitement hidden for the first trimester. About how it just never felt like it did with the Goose.
But I blew it off as "2nd baby syndrome" - telling myself that everything was less "exciting" because it was the 2nd time around. That it was all less exciting so that we could keep it a secret.
Don't get me wrong, I was crazy excited. But you know that feeling, when you just sort of...know? I'm sure I'm crazy, but I think I always had that feeling. When we went for that first sonogram last Tuesday, I feel like I knew exactly what they were going to tell me. And it came true. I wasn't "butterflies in the stomach" excited. I was "let's get this over with but I'm hoping for the best" excited.
I can't explain it. Somehow, on some twisted level, everything felt "right" when we got bad news. As though I would have been blown out of the water if we had gotten good news. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, and actually sounds horrible - but it's what I feel.
To make this whole shitty situation even worse...there's more bad news - x2.
One: it's not over. While we know our little one's heart has stopped beating, he/she's still in there. Nothing "physical" has happened yet. We're just waiting for this horrible, terrible thing to happen. I think that's when I'll really be a mess. Up till now I've been outwardly okay. I've been at work, I've been mostly fine around others, I've been able to do almost everything like normal. Once this is totally, completely over - it's going to really kill me. And knowing that this is going to happen, but not knowing when - it's the worst.
Second: (and this is just simple cruel fate) my SIL found out she was pregnant and due only about a week behind me. I thought that this was going to be the hardest months of my life - to see my SIL pregnant and having a baby all while I should have had the same. Well, if you didn't guess by my use of past tense, she miscarried too. She went through the physical motions before even getting to her first appointment. How could fate be this cruel to give a family two expected babies, but take them both away before they ever made it into our arms (not to mention that my other SIL lost her son just after birth 3 years back)? I just cannot believe that this has happened. I thought watching my SIL go through her pregnancy was going to be hard. Life just proved to me that watching her go through this with me has been even harder. No good news for any of us to share.
I realize this has turned into a sad babbling mess. But I'm not sorry. Because I need to get this out. None of my friends or coworkers, and most family don't know And I can't find the strength to call them up and talk about it. Not because I think they won't be sensitive or anything like that (well, that is a thought, but not what's stopping me). Because I simply cannot say the words out loud. I don't want to fall apart. I don't want to talk about it. Someday I will, but not right now. I think I need to process this all, by myself. I just can't say the words out loud. I haven't had to, except once with the second round of nurses and ultrasound techs at our second sonogram. Anyone else who's had to have it explained to them, M has told.
Which reminds me, I absolutely couldn't do this without him. He has been everything I need while going through this. He's the only one I feel comfortable to be sad with, and cry with openly (not to say it hasn't happened with anyone else). And he lets me. And he's stepped in where I've fallen apart. All while going through this himself. He's absolutely heartbroken. I'm sure he's just about the most sensitive manly man I've ever come across in my life. He just feels. He's cried with me. He's cried alone, just like me. His dreams have died too. But he's been my rock. And I can't ever put into words how amazing that is.
That's all I can get out today...
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Heavy Heart
I had nightmares about being here, but here we are. Please pray for our little one. He/she is measuring way behind, but still in there and beating its little heart away. It's going to take a miracle, but I'm not above pleading with God for just that. It's hard to think of what might be ahead of us, so I just have to keep praying and remind myself miracles happen.
Please pray for what we hope will be our little miracle...
Please pray for what we hope will be our little miracle...
Thursday, August 30, 2012
7 Weeks
7 weeks
How far along? 7 weeks
Total weight gain? Still no weight info.
Maternity clothes? Nope. Pants are getting tight on this bloat. I'll have to start considering pulling out the maternity clothes. I had mostly summer clothes, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to be making more purchases than I'd like for a second time around-er.
Best moment this week? The Goose did amazing in his bed transition. It was as though nothing had changed. M said he had a bit of trouble with naptime one day, but that's it. In fact, it's only been an improvement (he went back to sleeping a little later). He never ceases to amaze me. I cannot be grateful enough.
Symptoms? Sore boobs kicked in, but nothing serious. Also picked up a bit of nausea, but again, nothing that doesn't go away. Tired, but no more than before. I find the more I do, the more energy I have. If I succumb to the exhaustion, I can't find a way out. Overall, very happy and no complaints.
Cravings? Still on an american cheese kick. I definitely crave not so healthy foods all the time, but I'm trying my best to balance my cravings with what I know I should be eating. I think I'm doing better this time than with my last pregnancy. I gave into every craving right away. This time around I want to be a lot more focused on nutrition. Trust me, I'm not talking about a diet. I'm talking about focusing on great, healthy foods. Something I should do all the time. I don't know how well I'll do (I'm not setting super high expectations, I know myself), but I think if I always at least keep it in mind, I will do better than last time.
Sleep? Glorious
Milestones/What's going on with Baby? The little has doubled in size since last week - amazing. Some form of feet and hands are showing up. The brain is growing (duh) and the liver is making red blood cells for the makings of bone marrow. He/She is the size of a blueberry - watch out!
What are you most looking forward to this week? We go on Tuesday for the level one sonogram. This is exciting for a few reasons, besides the obvious - we *with every prayer I have* get to see the little Goose#2 and the heartbeat. First, I wasn't sure I'd get a level one sono when going to a midwife. I know many people who didn't. She gave me the option and it's covered so, no brainer. Two, the sonogram takes place in the hospital/birthing center where I'll be set to deliver at. Obviously it's early on, but it will be great to creep around and check the place out in person. Three, this will totally put everyone's reservations at ease over me using a midwife. My paren'ts and M were worried about what kind of care I'd get with a midwife vs an OB. They all seem relieved that the care, so far, seems the same. In my mind, whatever it takes to make them feel more at ease makes me happy. I know this is all different to them and they have their doubts. It boggles my mind why this train of thought exists for us today, but I understand. And I just want to open everyone's eyes and fully trust my midwife the way I do. So a win-win on all accounts.
Also on the agenda this week: getting my first full sit down with the midwife, getting all the nitty gritty of what she'll expect and what I can expect and all that good stuff. My first meeting with her was just a "let's see if this fits" type deal. Now we're on to focusing on this baby and this pregnancy. I couldn't be more excited. Although I hope there's no bloodwork. I hate needles and they suck. I'm a giant baby about it.
 |
| Sorry it's so dark. Not sorry for the cuteness that is the Goose. Maybe/Maybe not sorry for the TV babysitting going on while I get ready for work. |
How far along? 7 weeks
Total weight gain? Still no weight info.
Maternity clothes? Nope. Pants are getting tight on this bloat. I'll have to start considering pulling out the maternity clothes. I had mostly summer clothes, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to be making more purchases than I'd like for a second time around-er.
Best moment this week? The Goose did amazing in his bed transition. It was as though nothing had changed. M said he had a bit of trouble with naptime one day, but that's it. In fact, it's only been an improvement (he went back to sleeping a little later). He never ceases to amaze me. I cannot be grateful enough.
Symptoms? Sore boobs kicked in, but nothing serious. Also picked up a bit of nausea, but again, nothing that doesn't go away. Tired, but no more than before. I find the more I do, the more energy I have. If I succumb to the exhaustion, I can't find a way out. Overall, very happy and no complaints.
Cravings? Still on an american cheese kick. I definitely crave not so healthy foods all the time, but I'm trying my best to balance my cravings with what I know I should be eating. I think I'm doing better this time than with my last pregnancy. I gave into every craving right away. This time around I want to be a lot more focused on nutrition. Trust me, I'm not talking about a diet. I'm talking about focusing on great, healthy foods. Something I should do all the time. I don't know how well I'll do (I'm not setting super high expectations, I know myself), but I think if I always at least keep it in mind, I will do better than last time.
Sleep? Glorious
Milestones/What's going on with Baby? The little has doubled in size since last week - amazing. Some form of feet and hands are showing up. The brain is growing (duh) and the liver is making red blood cells for the makings of bone marrow. He/She is the size of a blueberry - watch out!
What are you most looking forward to this week? We go on Tuesday for the level one sonogram. This is exciting for a few reasons, besides the obvious - we *with every prayer I have* get to see the little Goose#2 and the heartbeat. First, I wasn't sure I'd get a level one sono when going to a midwife. I know many people who didn't. She gave me the option and it's covered so, no brainer. Two, the sonogram takes place in the hospital/birthing center where I'll be set to deliver at. Obviously it's early on, but it will be great to creep around and check the place out in person. Three, this will totally put everyone's reservations at ease over me using a midwife. My paren'ts and M were worried about what kind of care I'd get with a midwife vs an OB. They all seem relieved that the care, so far, seems the same. In my mind, whatever it takes to make them feel more at ease makes me happy. I know this is all different to them and they have their doubts. It boggles my mind why this train of thought exists for us today, but I understand. And I just want to open everyone's eyes and fully trust my midwife the way I do. So a win-win on all accounts.
Also on the agenda this week: getting my first full sit down with the midwife, getting all the nitty gritty of what she'll expect and what I can expect and all that good stuff. My first meeting with her was just a "let's see if this fits" type deal. Now we're on to focusing on this baby and this pregnancy. I couldn't be more excited. Although I hope there's no bloodwork. I hate needles and they suck. I'm a giant baby about it.
Planning: Car Party
I promised it, and look at me! Coming through on a promised post.
I wen't back and forth on whether to do a music-themed or a car-themed party. Cars won out because he just doesn't seem to get tired of them. He especially loves the little and medium sized metal cars we pick up at the local pharmacies. Anytime we go to a park or the beach he's always trying to swipe other kids' cars. Kid has a musical inclination and loves to dance and sing, but he's simply obsessed with cars, wheels, trains and any moving object, really. Cars it is.
I'll try to move this along (less words, more pictures) and show you my "Pinspiration", and what I'm specifically planning. Like last year's party, I'm sure I won't get to all my planned ideas, but I'm hoping to get at least most of them. I've kept the colors to navy blue and orange, though I'll also be using a lot of kraft paper and burlap, so I'm hoping to go for a bit of a vintage feel with pops of navy and orange (the Goose's colors, at least in our house). We'll decorate with streamers, balloons, lanterns and some fabric pennants. Let's get the planning started...
How simple but "statement" making is this? Black plastic tablecloth roll taped to the floors with yellow duct tape lane lines? A must, the roll and duct tape is already ordered. And what's a big road without a car? I've been saving medium-large boxes and plan on making some cute cars for the kids to throw on and "drive" around in.
Love those Rice Krispie traffic signs. I thought at first of doing these, but then thought they might be cute as graham crackers with nutella/frosting - a few less steps than making rice krispie treats.
Adorable. Simple. Done. I also hope to make chocolate covered pretzels for "dipsticks".
Easy. PB&J or whatever assortment. Maybe grilled cheese too. Have the cookie cutter, along with two or three more car shapes.
These are too cute. These are a must as well. Pulled pork/chicken in hero/sub rolls - easy to make in a crock pot and a few minutes cutting the bread. I think I'll try to also do something similar with hot dogs for the kids, along with homemade chicken nuggests (no theme there). We'll also have adult food that won't be car themed (think 6ft hero or sandwich/wrap party platter)
I love the idea of setting up a "Feuling Station". Drink dispensers, jugs, juices, water bottles. However it's done, it's cute.
We'll definitely have cupcakes and a small birthday cake, along with my famous chocolate chip cookies wrapped in cute kraft baggies. Of course, there are so many more adorable ideas out there, but I was trying to limit myself to what I think I could easily handle. I'll be making almost all the food, and some of the snacks. The decorating will probably be done a little before the day of, but mostly the setup and decorating will be done the day of. Being that I'm a procrastinator and am usually CLEANING the day of the party, I have to mentally force myself to clean in the days before (even though I'll be working), and also do some prep. I cannot procrastinate. I CANNOT procrastinate. The real kicker at this point is the invitations. Haven't picked them out or made them yet. I'm leaning towards making them, mostly because of time contstraints. We're looking at a little over a month away.
We'll hand out favor bags with snacks, crayons, bubbles and small wooden cars for each kid to decorate. And we'll probably plan for some low key activities, if any at all. I'm thinking red light green light 123, maybe set up a craft table?
So that's about it. I'm sure this will evolve into something a little different as time goes by.
PS: Did I mention that we'll also be doing a small party section and hosting some folks for our city's annual Irish Day...the very same day? Yes, we've decided to have our son's b-day party on a day when our friends (and sometimes us) and other adults normally get drunk and debaucherous and take over our town. We figured that way our friends without kids won't feel obligated to stay for the kiddie events, but they'll atleast have more of a reason to stop by, other than out of obligation. None of my friends have kids, or are even married. So while they love the Goose to pieces, I won't torture them by making them stay at my house for the length of a kiddie party. And if they do, they will at least have some Irish Car bombs to keep them company. Entertaining the crowds in two different way folks. We party hard, x's 2.
I wen't back and forth on whether to do a music-themed or a car-themed party. Cars won out because he just doesn't seem to get tired of them. He especially loves the little and medium sized metal cars we pick up at the local pharmacies. Anytime we go to a park or the beach he's always trying to swipe other kids' cars. Kid has a musical inclination and loves to dance and sing, but he's simply obsessed with cars, wheels, trains and any moving object, really. Cars it is.
I'll try to move this along (less words, more pictures) and show you my "Pinspiration", and what I'm specifically planning. Like last year's party, I'm sure I won't get to all my planned ideas, but I'm hoping to get at least most of them. I've kept the colors to navy blue and orange, though I'll also be using a lot of kraft paper and burlap, so I'm hoping to go for a bit of a vintage feel with pops of navy and orange (the Goose's colors, at least in our house). We'll decorate with streamers, balloons, lanterns and some fabric pennants. Let's get the planning started...
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We'll definitely have cupcakes and a small birthday cake, along with my famous chocolate chip cookies wrapped in cute kraft baggies. Of course, there are so many more adorable ideas out there, but I was trying to limit myself to what I think I could easily handle. I'll be making almost all the food, and some of the snacks. The decorating will probably be done a little before the day of, but mostly the setup and decorating will be done the day of. Being that I'm a procrastinator and am usually CLEANING the day of the party, I have to mentally force myself to clean in the days before (even though I'll be working), and also do some prep. I cannot procrastinate. I CANNOT procrastinate. The real kicker at this point is the invitations. Haven't picked them out or made them yet. I'm leaning towards making them, mostly because of time contstraints. We're looking at a little over a month away.
We'll hand out favor bags with snacks, crayons, bubbles and small wooden cars for each kid to decorate. And we'll probably plan for some low key activities, if any at all. I'm thinking red light green light 123, maybe set up a craft table?
So that's about it. I'm sure this will evolve into something a little different as time goes by.
PS: Did I mention that we'll also be doing a small party section and hosting some folks for our city's annual Irish Day...the very same day? Yes, we've decided to have our son's b-day party on a day when our friends (and sometimes us) and other adults normally get drunk and debaucherous and take over our town. We figured that way our friends without kids won't feel obligated to stay for the kiddie events, but they'll atleast have more of a reason to stop by, other than out of obligation. None of my friends have kids, or are even married. So while they love the Goose to pieces, I won't torture them by making them stay at my house for the length of a kiddie party. And if they do, they will at least have some Irish Car bombs to keep them company. Entertaining the crowds in two different way folks. We party hard, x's 2.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Commuter Chronicles: Newly Pregnant Edition
Stuffed subway cars with a killer sense of smell: bad. Very, VERY bad. I don't remember this from last time. Probably because I was newly pregnant in the winter last time round. I can normally withstand various bodily odors from the hot, sweaty summertime crowds (not without complaining, as proved in my previous posts). But today's ride downtown to catch my train home, it just about had me loosing my lunch. Luckily, it's only the first time. Hopefully it's also the last.
Friday, August 24, 2012
6 weeks
6 Weeks
How far along? 6weeks 1 day - already posting these late, yikes!
Total weight gain? Still no weight info.
Maternity clothes? No, but the bloat is out of control. I could very well be paranoid, but I think people are literally checking out my gut.
Best moment this week? figuring out the midwife situation. I met with the midwife covered by my insurance, because no matter how things played out, I'd have to see her for at least my first trimester until we decided to switch insurance (if that's what we decided). It turns out, I loved her. Her bad reviews were all based off of personality and aspects of her protocol - both of which are a fit for me (she's deep, deep into the holistic stuff. It was clear the reviewers did not appreciate this). I cannot put into words what a sense of relief and excitement it is to meet with someone who sees things exactly as I do. It's as though I was speaking a foreign language to M, my parents, and doctors about my birth the last time around, and I've finally found someone who speaks the same language as me. I literally cried. M thought I was crazy, but I've never expected him to completely understand how important a natural birth (and a natural lifestyle in general) is to me, so I wasn't shocked at his reaction. It's like finally being able to breath. Dare I say I'm looking forward to this birth??? Quite dramatic, but totally true. Luckily, M is totally on board, and I feel that everyday he understands more and more.
Symptoms? falling asleep at 9:00 at night is different, but definitely a symptom I'm enjoying.
Cravings? Anything with american cheese. Grilled cheese, preferably. But everything else I'm eating is pretty healthy and somehow the last thing I want is chocolate or any type of "treat". Also craving seafood, but obviously taking it easy there. It doesn't help that M just picked up a fishing habit and comes home with fresh fish regularly.
Sleep? Glorious
Milestones/What's going on with Baby? The nose, mouth and ears are taking shape, as are the intenstines and what will eventually become his/her lungs. Little one is about the size of a lentil bean. Gotta love those fruit/food comparisons!
What are you most looking forward to this week? The Goose is beyond ready for a big bed. We've been noticing that he's slowly looking more and more uncomfortable in his crib. He tosses and turns looking for a comfy spot. Our observations point to the hard crib mattress. He's always looking for softer things to lay on - blankets and stuffed animals. Seriuosly, kid has become a stuffed animal bedtime hoarder. And I'm not crazy about him being surrounded by stuffed animals in his sleep. Overall, his sleep is starting to suffer: he's always trying to get in our bed (which he's slept in all of one time for a nap, ever), he's waking up an hour earlier but not making up the time, and he just seems a little tired all day. I honestly don't know how the transition will go. He thoroughly enjoys putting himself to sleep, but he's always loved his crib. I hope the new bed doesn't mess with his great sleeping habits more than his discomfort in the crib does now. He's always transitioned to new situations very well, so I'm hoping this will go mostly okay. We'll be buying it tomorrow (Saturday), so hopefully, if there's a bad transition it will only take one night (one can dream right?). That way, if we have to suffer on no sleep, it will be a Sunday. Back to work on Monday! We're skipping the whole toddler bed and going straight to a twin bed. We don't have a need for more than necessary in this bungalow, and we often buy things that will be used for a longer time, rather than for certain phases.
I promise I'm putting together a post for the Goose's birthday...it's coming, it's coming!
How far along? 6weeks 1 day - already posting these late, yikes!
Total weight gain? Still no weight info.
Maternity clothes? No, but the bloat is out of control. I could very well be paranoid, but I think people are literally checking out my gut.
Best moment this week? figuring out the midwife situation. I met with the midwife covered by my insurance, because no matter how things played out, I'd have to see her for at least my first trimester until we decided to switch insurance (if that's what we decided). It turns out, I loved her. Her bad reviews were all based off of personality and aspects of her protocol - both of which are a fit for me (she's deep, deep into the holistic stuff. It was clear the reviewers did not appreciate this). I cannot put into words what a sense of relief and excitement it is to meet with someone who sees things exactly as I do. It's as though I was speaking a foreign language to M, my parents, and doctors about my birth the last time around, and I've finally found someone who speaks the same language as me. I literally cried. M thought I was crazy, but I've never expected him to completely understand how important a natural birth (and a natural lifestyle in general) is to me, so I wasn't shocked at his reaction. It's like finally being able to breath. Dare I say I'm looking forward to this birth??? Quite dramatic, but totally true. Luckily, M is totally on board, and I feel that everyday he understands more and more.
Symptoms? falling asleep at 9:00 at night is different, but definitely a symptom I'm enjoying.
Cravings? Anything with american cheese. Grilled cheese, preferably. But everything else I'm eating is pretty healthy and somehow the last thing I want is chocolate or any type of "treat". Also craving seafood, but obviously taking it easy there. It doesn't help that M just picked up a fishing habit and comes home with fresh fish regularly.
Sleep? Glorious
Milestones/What's going on with Baby? The nose, mouth and ears are taking shape, as are the intenstines and what will eventually become his/her lungs. Little one is about the size of a lentil bean. Gotta love those fruit/food comparisons!
What are you most looking forward to this week? The Goose is beyond ready for a big bed. We've been noticing that he's slowly looking more and more uncomfortable in his crib. He tosses and turns looking for a comfy spot. Our observations point to the hard crib mattress. He's always looking for softer things to lay on - blankets and stuffed animals. Seriuosly, kid has become a stuffed animal bedtime hoarder. And I'm not crazy about him being surrounded by stuffed animals in his sleep. Overall, his sleep is starting to suffer: he's always trying to get in our bed (which he's slept in all of one time for a nap, ever), he's waking up an hour earlier but not making up the time, and he just seems a little tired all day. I honestly don't know how the transition will go. He thoroughly enjoys putting himself to sleep, but he's always loved his crib. I hope the new bed doesn't mess with his great sleeping habits more than his discomfort in the crib does now. He's always transitioned to new situations very well, so I'm hoping this will go mostly okay. We'll be buying it tomorrow (Saturday), so hopefully, if there's a bad transition it will only take one night (one can dream right?). That way, if we have to suffer on no sleep, it will be a Sunday. Back to work on Monday! We're skipping the whole toddler bed and going straight to a twin bed. We don't have a need for more than necessary in this bungalow, and we often buy things that will be used for a longer time, rather than for certain phases.
I promise I'm putting together a post for the Goose's birthday...it's coming, it's coming!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
iPhone Disaster
I nearly lost EVERY SINGLE picture that I had ever taken on any of my phones over the last 5 years. Nearly. Thank God! Joe from Arizona, working in the 5th Ave Apple store - I love you.
Maybe a cellphone-pic-hoarder dump in the near future???
Maybe a cellphone-pic-hoarder dump in the near future???
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Sharing a little & Week 5
We've told my parents and my MIL. We've also told my brother, and M's sister and BIL. We've held off on telling M's father because the last time around he told the ENTIRE family as soon as he hung up the phone with us, and we know he'd do the exact same thing again. He'll be mad, but we don't want to risk it. We might tell friends or other family if we feel it's right or we have to (many people take notice when a lush isn't drinking at a party), but otherwise this is it for now.
I realize I forgot to mention this kiddles estimated due date. From my own timing calculations, we're looking at April 17th/18th as the due date, but my guestimate says this one will come about a week or more late. The babies in our family like to cook themselves up nice and good - no one's ever come early or on time. No one. In fact my mother was due with my brother on May 18th, only to be told a third of the way through her pregnancy that she was, in fact, due on April 18th - they had miscalculated. Guess when he was born? MAY 31st!!!! That's 6 weeks of thinking you're going to go into labor at any moment. I would have wished death upon my doctor if that had ever happened to me. Thank God medical technology has improved. Even if you look at her reality, he was 11 days late. I was 9. Luckily, she pushed us both out in under 3 hours, from very first labor contraction to baby, naturally. My.Dream.
I debated whether or not to do a "weekly check in", or just keep it to monthly. I know I don't post here a lot. And I realize that, for the very small amount of people reading this blog (if any), to go from a very few posts having to do with house stuff, or pictures, or very light topics, to then going to a weekly post only related to pregnancy, well it may just be too much. But then I realized that I wanted to see the changes week to week - for myself. When considering just doing monthly check ins, I thought to myself that I would end up wanting to do one/do one anyway elsewhere. And what's the point of this blog if I'm not going to post it all anyway? So weekly check ins, it is.
5 Weeks
How far along? 5weeks
Total weight gain? Still no weight info.
Maternity clothes? Nope, my pooch is still proving to be helpful in hiding the bloat - which there is plenty of.
Best moment this week? telling our parents.
Symptoms? Other than the bloat (dear lord, the bloat), a little tired.
Cravings? Broccoli and cheese. Weird, but half healthy so I'll take it.
Sleep? Sleep has improved dramatically. Pretty much back to normal.
Milestones/What's going on with Baby? Little one's heart and circulatory system is developing and they're now the size of an orange seed. Still pretty small, little one.
What are you most looking forward to this week? Setting up doctor appointments. I'm having some difficulties because I'd like to see a midwife this time around. Nothing totally against my previous OB, I just want a different "experience" this time around. Being that I wasn't high risk last time and had a vaginal birth, I think this move should work out. The problem is nailing down my midwife, plus I'm being told I need authorization from my PCP to go to a midwife and he's giving me pushback on it. There's a practice I'm dying to go to that delivers at the birthing center closest to us (there are two other hospitals, but I really want the birthing center), but they aren't covered by my insurance. There's only one midwife covered that delivers there, and she doesn't have the best reviews. So we're going to see if I can get authorization to go to an out of network midwife given I don't have any choices, really. Plus with M's insurance, we can switch once a year with no penalty during the month of October. If we choose to do that, we have to make sure everything will be a smooth transition, plus I'll have to get some type of prenatal care before then since I'll be on my way out of the first trimester by October. A lot of bases to cover, it's overwhelming.
I'll need to update you soon the Goose's birthday plans. I feel like it was not too long ago I was posting pics from his 1st birthday. I know I procrastinate, but really, a year later already????
I realize I forgot to mention this kiddles estimated due date. From my own timing calculations, we're looking at April 17th/18th as the due date, but my guestimate says this one will come about a week or more late. The babies in our family like to cook themselves up nice and good - no one's ever come early or on time. No one. In fact my mother was due with my brother on May 18th, only to be told a third of the way through her pregnancy that she was, in fact, due on April 18th - they had miscalculated. Guess when he was born? MAY 31st!!!! That's 6 weeks of thinking you're going to go into labor at any moment. I would have wished death upon my doctor if that had ever happened to me. Thank God medical technology has improved. Even if you look at her reality, he was 11 days late. I was 9. Luckily, she pushed us both out in under 3 hours, from very first labor contraction to baby, naturally. My.Dream.
I debated whether or not to do a "weekly check in", or just keep it to monthly. I know I don't post here a lot. And I realize that, for the very small amount of people reading this blog (if any), to go from a very few posts having to do with house stuff, or pictures, or very light topics, to then going to a weekly post only related to pregnancy, well it may just be too much. But then I realized that I wanted to see the changes week to week - for myself. When considering just doing monthly check ins, I thought to myself that I would end up wanting to do one/do one anyway elsewhere. And what's the point of this blog if I'm not going to post it all anyway? So weekly check ins, it is.
5 Weeks
How far along? 5weeks
Total weight gain? Still no weight info.
Maternity clothes? Nope, my pooch is still proving to be helpful in hiding the bloat - which there is plenty of.
Best moment this week? telling our parents.
Symptoms? Other than the bloat (dear lord, the bloat), a little tired.
Cravings? Broccoli and cheese. Weird, but half healthy so I'll take it.
Sleep? Sleep has improved dramatically. Pretty much back to normal.
Milestones/What's going on with Baby? Little one's heart and circulatory system is developing and they're now the size of an orange seed. Still pretty small, little one.
What are you most looking forward to this week? Setting up doctor appointments. I'm having some difficulties because I'd like to see a midwife this time around. Nothing totally against my previous OB, I just want a different "experience" this time around. Being that I wasn't high risk last time and had a vaginal birth, I think this move should work out. The problem is nailing down my midwife, plus I'm being told I need authorization from my PCP to go to a midwife and he's giving me pushback on it. There's a practice I'm dying to go to that delivers at the birthing center closest to us (there are two other hospitals, but I really want the birthing center), but they aren't covered by my insurance. There's only one midwife covered that delivers there, and she doesn't have the best reviews. So we're going to see if I can get authorization to go to an out of network midwife given I don't have any choices, really. Plus with M's insurance, we can switch once a year with no penalty during the month of October. If we choose to do that, we have to make sure everything will be a smooth transition, plus I'll have to get some type of prenatal care before then since I'll be on my way out of the first trimester by October. A lot of bases to cover, it's overwhelming.
I'll need to update you soon the Goose's birthday plans. I feel like it was not too long ago I was posting pics from his 1st birthday. I know I procrastinate, but really, a year later already????
Friday, August 10, 2012
The Deets
So I promised that I'd be sharing everything over here as it happened - in real time. I know in part of my mind, I feel like I could be "jinxing" things. But this is real life, and I'm so happy. If something bad were to happen,I'd always still want to remember this feeling of happiness. What better way to remember it than to have it documented.
Scarily enough, we haven't told anyone yet - ANYONE. As in, not even my mom who would kill me if she knew I put this out into the interwebs before she knew. She's going to kill me, as it is, that I didn't pick up the phone and dial her the second that pee stick showed two lines. But, this is just how I'm doing it this time around. I'm positive that I don't want to share this on a grander scale with people we know IRL until we've hit the second trimester. We'll probably share with close family and some closer friends before that, but overall, the news won't get out to the crowds until we're good and ready.
So here's some of the details...
You already know that we've been trying, for longer than I'd hoped or thought we'd be. So it's no surprise that my patience got the best of me and I started testing about 4 days too early, only to be faced with negative tests. Also, all other signs from my temperature monitoring were pointing to another busted cycle. So I convinced myself I wasn't, and started mentally preparing for another month of waiting. And then a morning or two later I woke up and my temperatures fell right back in line with those that normally point to a pregnancy, so I took a test. And it looked negative. I just put my mindset back into "not pregnant" mode.
And then the very next morning, my tempeture was still in line with a pregnancy, so I took another test. And there it was. The second line. My heart raced and I started to tear up. This was it. The moment I had been waiting and wishing for.
The phrase that pops into mind is "I coudln't believe it". But that's not true. I could -- I can. I'll never forget the complete and utter shock I felt the first time around, when I found out I was pregnant with the Goose. I literally started shaking and could not get my mind to focus. It was so unreal.
This time. It's so different. It's as though it was meant to be. And as corny as it sounds, I know it's true. I don't feel shocked, because I've wanted it more that I can remember wanting almost anything, ever. It's as though all is right with the world. I couldn't be more at peace, yet so excited and in awe. We are so blessed and I cannot express that enough.
M is already over the moon. Of course there's all the logistics of the next 8-12 months or so, given that we currently have nowhere to put this baby, and of course he's still in hypothetical career limbo. But we will figure it out. Because life happens. And we embrace the chaos. We want to build a family, and logistics, in the end, don't matter. Life and love matter and babies and children and more of them all is what it's about. We'll figure out the rest. (Of course, we're not stupid. We can financially manage all of this. It will take some creativity and hard work - but we're on top of our ish, people).
So so kick it all off, here's my very first weekly check in...
4 weeks - Month One
How far along? As of this post, 4w1d. We found out "officially" on 3w6d (13dpo for those in the "charting" know. If you read correctly above, there's still hope for a 12dpo BFN, ladies!)
Total weight gain? That would assume that I know my weight. I do not own a scale. My guess is around 155.
Maternity clothes? Umm, no. Although I should mention that I've been unable to lose my pooch from when I was pregnant with the Goose. So many people probably have been curious for quite some time whether I was pregnant or not. Finally, this works in my favor.
Best moment this week? Do I even have to say it? We're pregnant!
Symptoms? I have to say, nearly none so far. Slightly crampy, but nothing major and pretty normal for what would have been a period. I didn't have any this early on the first time around either. The only thing that stood out was my sense of smell going into overdrive. Oddly, it was what kept my sliver of hope going again this time around. And then just today I smelled the ink on the printer cartridge at work - EXACTLY like last time. That all said, it's because I'm thinking about it.
Cravings? Grilled cheese, but again, that isn't too atypical for me in general.
Sleep? This is the one area where, in the very very beginning, I suffer. I think it's mostly b/c my brain just won't shut off from all the excitement, but I typically can't fall asleep until after midnight and wake up before 5:00am. But I do pretty okay on little sleep so no complaints here. At least not yet.
Milestones/What's going on with Baby? Baby's not even a baby yet. The little miracle is just the size of a poppy seed.
Girl or Boy? I'll just say it now - we're going to be Team Green. We were last time until our ultrasound tech ruined the surprise and told us. This time around, I think it's going to be harder not finding out the gender of the baby beforehand now that we've experience a pregnancy that way, but I'm dying to have that whole "It's a Boy/Girl!" moment at birth. I love when people don't find out what they're having. It makes the birth of the baby that much more exciting, at least to me.
What are you most looking forward to this week? Probably telling my mom. Part of me wants to wait, but she's my best friend. I think it will be that much more real if I tell her. It's hard to keep this excitement bottled up between two people! Other than that, just being pregnant!
Scarily enough, we haven't told anyone yet - ANYONE. As in, not even my mom who would kill me if she knew I put this out into the interwebs before she knew. She's going to kill me, as it is, that I didn't pick up the phone and dial her the second that pee stick showed two lines. But, this is just how I'm doing it this time around. I'm positive that I don't want to share this on a grander scale with people we know IRL until we've hit the second trimester. We'll probably share with close family and some closer friends before that, but overall, the news won't get out to the crowds until we're good and ready.
So here's some of the details...
You already know that we've been trying, for longer than I'd hoped or thought we'd be. So it's no surprise that my patience got the best of me and I started testing about 4 days too early, only to be faced with negative tests. Also, all other signs from my temperature monitoring were pointing to another busted cycle. So I convinced myself I wasn't, and started mentally preparing for another month of waiting. And then a morning or two later I woke up and my temperatures fell right back in line with those that normally point to a pregnancy, so I took a test. And it looked negative. I just put my mindset back into "not pregnant" mode.
And then the very next morning, my tempeture was still in line with a pregnancy, so I took another test. And there it was. The second line. My heart raced and I started to tear up. This was it. The moment I had been waiting and wishing for.
The phrase that pops into mind is "I coudln't believe it". But that's not true. I could -- I can. I'll never forget the complete and utter shock I felt the first time around, when I found out I was pregnant with the Goose. I literally started shaking and could not get my mind to focus. It was so unreal.
This time. It's so different. It's as though it was meant to be. And as corny as it sounds, I know it's true. I don't feel shocked, because I've wanted it more that I can remember wanting almost anything, ever. It's as though all is right with the world. I couldn't be more at peace, yet so excited and in awe. We are so blessed and I cannot express that enough.
M is already over the moon. Of course there's all the logistics of the next 8-12 months or so, given that we currently have nowhere to put this baby, and of course he's still in hypothetical career limbo. But we will figure it out. Because life happens. And we embrace the chaos. We want to build a family, and logistics, in the end, don't matter. Life and love matter and babies and children and more of them all is what it's about. We'll figure out the rest. (Of course, we're not stupid. We can financially manage all of this. It will take some creativity and hard work - but we're on top of our ish, people).
So so kick it all off, here's my very first weekly check in...
4 weeks - Month One
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| A few items to pretend you don't notice: 1-The curtains that were yanked off the wall by the cat. M has since fixed the brackets 2-If you look out that window - why yes, that is how close our neighbors house is 3-You'll notice the "pooch" I speak of below that is always there. Don't judge. |
Total weight gain? That would assume that I know my weight. I do not own a scale. My guess is around 155.
Maternity clothes? Umm, no. Although I should mention that I've been unable to lose my pooch from when I was pregnant with the Goose. So many people probably have been curious for quite some time whether I was pregnant or not. Finally, this works in my favor.
Best moment this week? Do I even have to say it? We're pregnant!
Symptoms? I have to say, nearly none so far. Slightly crampy, but nothing major and pretty normal for what would have been a period. I didn't have any this early on the first time around either. The only thing that stood out was my sense of smell going into overdrive. Oddly, it was what kept my sliver of hope going again this time around. And then just today I smelled the ink on the printer cartridge at work - EXACTLY like last time. That all said, it's because I'm thinking about it.
Cravings? Grilled cheese, but again, that isn't too atypical for me in general.
Sleep? This is the one area where, in the very very beginning, I suffer. I think it's mostly b/c my brain just won't shut off from all the excitement, but I typically can't fall asleep until after midnight and wake up before 5:00am. But I do pretty okay on little sleep so no complaints here. At least not yet.
Milestones/What's going on with Baby? Baby's not even a baby yet. The little miracle is just the size of a poppy seed.
Girl or Boy? I'll just say it now - we're going to be Team Green. We were last time until our ultrasound tech ruined the surprise and told us. This time around, I think it's going to be harder not finding out the gender of the baby beforehand now that we've experience a pregnancy that way, but I'm dying to have that whole "It's a Boy/Girl!" moment at birth. I love when people don't find out what they're having. It makes the birth of the baby that much more exciting, at least to me.
What are you most looking forward to this week? Probably telling my mom. Part of me wants to wait, but she's my best friend. I think it will be that much more real if I tell her. It's hard to keep this excitement bottled up between two people! Other than that, just being pregnant!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Are you ready?
It took more than 8 long months, a lot of prayers and wishes, a select few tears, and some loving on M, but we finally made a miracle...
It's hopefully going to be a long road, and I'm literally in heaven and can't shake the perma-smile on my face.
We're so blessed!
I'll update tomorrow with more details
It's hopefully going to be a long road, and I'm literally in heaven and can't shake the perma-smile on my face.
We're so blessed!
I'll update tomorrow with more details
Friday, August 3, 2012
Fill in the Blank Friday
Jumping back on this bandwagon. Kind of loving these blanks. They're deep, man. Join the fun and head over to Lauren's place - The Little Things We Do. Before I leave you with the fillin' fun, let it be said that my lack of a wisdom tooth is still causing me a world full of pain. It's not infected, so my only assumption left to make is that I do not in fact, contrary to my lifelong belief, have a high tolerance for pain. That can be the only answer. Because I am told by every person I meet that I should not be in pain anymore. Thoughts? Am I wuss or could this be legit? In fairness, I did have a pretty gnarly extraction, but is this normal?
Okay, on to the fun...
1. I am proud of M. He’s been through a very emotional rollercoaster, not to mention physically, as well. He’s the best husband and father and is always so selfless. It’s been especially tough on him lately and I’m just so proud to be his wife .
6. The most relaxing thing in the entire world is taking a nap midday. I’ve probably taken about three since I was pregnant (I slept all the damn time). I just can’t manage to fall asleep midday, but on the rare occasion that I have, I remember thinking it was the most peaceful feeling. My latest was with the Goose on a day visit to LBI shore and I literally teared up at how lovely and peaceful the moment was.
Have a great weekend folks!
PS - how is it August?
PPS - I am not pregnant...that I know of yet. Just thought I'd update.
Okay, on to the fun...
1. I am proud of M. He’s been through a very emotional rollercoaster, not to mention physically, as well. He’s the best husband and father and is always so selfless. It’s been especially tough on him lately and I’m just so proud to be his wife .
2. This weekend I will Maybe see some family and looking forward to seeing some friends I haven’t seen in a while .
3. A secret dream I have is but that I also don’t really think I would totally enjoy as real life, is to have a large troop of kids and live on a farm in the middle of nowhere. It’s a non-realistic dream, because I’m such a city girl and would most likely not last more than one day. But doesn’t that just sound so sweet?
4. I can't handle drama. I know everyone says that, typically people who actually live in a world of drama, but I truly mean it. I like to live my life very low key, and have quickly lost touch with people who involve themselves in drama. There’s nothing exciting about confrontations and I’d rather back down and walk away knowing I was right, but not having to prove it. I’m very private and try to stay out of others’ business as well.
5. The most annoying thing in the entire world is ignorance. What is the purpose of thinking you know it all or that your way of thinking is the best and only way?
6. The most relaxing thing in the entire world is taking a nap midday. I’ve probably taken about three since I was pregnant (I slept all the damn time). I just can’t manage to fall asleep midday, but on the rare occasion that I have, I remember thinking it was the most peaceful feeling. My latest was with the Goose on a day visit to LBI shore and I literally teared up at how lovely and peaceful the moment was.
7. I think everyone should aim to live more simply. I’m no expert, by far, but it just seems like everything today is so out of control – the electronics, the gadgets, the toys, the processed foods, the STUFF. I know we’d be lost without modern advancement, but all this greed and STUFF is driving me crazy!
Have a great weekend folks!
PS - how is it August?
PPS - I am not pregnant...that I know of yet. Just thought I'd update.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Fiji was NOT fun
Remember in this post, where I talked about getting my tooth pulled and how I actually was going to have to get another one pulled? Yesterday was the day folks. My anxiety was pretty low because of my last experience - with the actual procedure being a piece of cake, but the recover not so much. I prepared better for the recovery this time, asking the oral surgeon to call in my prescriptions and offer me some medicine for the ride home. I was ready for my nice little sedation trip, and my well prepared ride home and hoepfully well planned out and improved recovery. Easy breezy, right? WRONG!!!!!
Well, to be fair, the same day recovery was a huge improvement over the last time, but today's pain is much, much worse. It may or may not have something to do with the fact that yesterday's procedure was the complete opposite from my "trip to Fiji", aka the last time. Last tooth pulling was just a molar. Yesterday's was a wisdom tooth. A gnarly, out of control, sideways-growing, gripping onto my jaw for dear life wisdom tooth. Why did no one explain to me, the naive unknowledgeable person I am, that there's a huge difference? So, long story short, the procedure was well over an hour of tugging at my tooth, in which it fell apart. I woke up more than once from my sedation to the sound of my oral surgeon mumbling expletives, and noticing the expression of worry on both of his assistants' (hygenists?) faces. When it was finally all over and I came back to the real world, I felt like I had just woken up from a nightmare - such the opposite from last time. In fact I started to get a little teary eyed when M came in the room and his face was a worldful of worry. I don't remember a whole lot, but I just remember wanting it to be all over so bad, and it was like being trapped in a world where I didn't know what was real or painful, and I didn't know when I would come out of it. Scary stuff people.
My preparation did lay out for a better recovery yesterday - I was able to still play with the Goose and do our nightly rituals and whatnot, unlike last time. However...today? Today is just plain ridiculous. It's not searing pain, but I've got stronger medication - which I hate. I hate feeling doped up. Plus I'm eating very little, so my nausea from both no food and heavier pain meds is out of this world. I can barely talk because opening my jaw is hell on earth, so chewing is out. My poor boss keeps asking me over and over to repeat myself. Yes, you read that right - I'm at work. As much as I'm complaining here folks, I'm a big girl, and I know how to rock the big girl panties. Luckily, there is a Hearty and Hale about a block and half from my office (nothing but soups and more delicious soups), so I'm finally able to get more than a smoothie down.
Overall, I hope to never have a tooth pulled again. Sorry for anyone that I've terrified. And for anyone who had more than one tooth pulled at a time, or handled this better than I - well, I bow down to you. Seriously, you rock the big girl panties way harder than me.
And all this time I'm thinking in the back of my head - "Wuss. And you want to give birth naturally? Sure, okay".
That's all to share today, folks. Coming up soon is my coming-together-plans for the Goose's SECOND birthday. I can't even...2. TWO!!! Tears are forming, so I'm cutting myself off...
Peace.
Katie
PS - This post is likely somewhat incoherent or ridiculous. Or completely. You can thank the Vicoprofin.
Well, to be fair, the same day recovery was a huge improvement over the last time, but today's pain is much, much worse. It may or may not have something to do with the fact that yesterday's procedure was the complete opposite from my "trip to Fiji", aka the last time. Last tooth pulling was just a molar. Yesterday's was a wisdom tooth. A gnarly, out of control, sideways-growing, gripping onto my jaw for dear life wisdom tooth. Why did no one explain to me, the naive unknowledgeable person I am, that there's a huge difference? So, long story short, the procedure was well over an hour of tugging at my tooth, in which it fell apart. I woke up more than once from my sedation to the sound of my oral surgeon mumbling expletives, and noticing the expression of worry on both of his assistants' (hygenists?) faces. When it was finally all over and I came back to the real world, I felt like I had just woken up from a nightmare - such the opposite from last time. In fact I started to get a little teary eyed when M came in the room and his face was a worldful of worry. I don't remember a whole lot, but I just remember wanting it to be all over so bad, and it was like being trapped in a world where I didn't know what was real or painful, and I didn't know when I would come out of it. Scary stuff people.
My preparation did lay out for a better recovery yesterday - I was able to still play with the Goose and do our nightly rituals and whatnot, unlike last time. However...today? Today is just plain ridiculous. It's not searing pain, but I've got stronger medication - which I hate. I hate feeling doped up. Plus I'm eating very little, so my nausea from both no food and heavier pain meds is out of this world. I can barely talk because opening my jaw is hell on earth, so chewing is out. My poor boss keeps asking me over and over to repeat myself. Yes, you read that right - I'm at work. As much as I'm complaining here folks, I'm a big girl, and I know how to rock the big girl panties. Luckily, there is a Hearty and Hale about a block and half from my office (nothing but soups and more delicious soups), so I'm finally able to get more than a smoothie down.
Overall, I hope to never have a tooth pulled again. Sorry for anyone that I've terrified. And for anyone who had more than one tooth pulled at a time, or handled this better than I - well, I bow down to you. Seriously, you rock the big girl panties way harder than me.
And all this time I'm thinking in the back of my head - "Wuss. And you want to give birth naturally? Sure, okay".
That's all to share today, folks. Coming up soon is my coming-together-plans for the Goose's SECOND birthday. I can't even...2. TWO!!! Tears are forming, so I'm cutting myself off...
Peace.
Katie
PS - This post is likely somewhat incoherent or ridiculous. Or completely. You can thank the Vicoprofin.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Fill in the Blank Friday
It's been a few weeks since I hopped on the Fill the Blanks train, so you might notice a small change to Lauren's format. I think I like it better. A whole post on one subject, rather than filling in a few words. Good Job Lauren! Head on over to her place, The Little Things We Do to join the fun. And happy weekend!
"If I could get away for the day, I would go...."
Shopping.
Not that I have the money to do so, but I miss the days of shopping without a baby/toddler in tow. The Goose is a very happy and easy going child for the most part, but being in a shopping cart or a stroller in stores is not his cup of tea. I can’t say that I blame the kid.
The Goose is a boy, through and through. He’s all energy, all the time. So being confined to a shopping cart or his stroller while I browse, and having to see the long aisles where he could be running amok, well, he just about loses his cool. Food shopping tends to be a bit less of a challenge (thank God, b/c we’ve got no choice on that one), but even still, I always try to plan the big grocery shops for when there are two of us home and I can go alone – which is rare.
If I could choose a place to go shopping by myself – it’d probably be Ikea or to an outlet center. Get lunch by myself, take my time. God, would that be great.
And then I’d come home and be all refreshed and ready for the Goose’s runaround, crazy, adorable antics. And I’d enjoy it even more because I would have missed him like crazy!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
22 on 22
Happy Birthday Kerry Rose. It rained, and I swear the sky was purple. I'm thinking of your Mom and Dad, they loved you so. Your sisters, how amazing. Keep on lookin' on...
Friday, June 15, 2012
Fiji was fun
I was lucky enough to have a tooth pulled last week. And by lucky, I mean cursed to the millionth thousandth degree. Oddly enough, the actual procedure was a piece of cake. Dare I call it a fun experience. I chose to be sedated, which in my dentist's office means they start you off with sweet air, and then pump your veins with magical happy juice that makes you higher than a kite. It was glorious. I supposedly talked about how awesome it was to be cracking beers on the beach in Fiji, because I thought I was there. I don't remember that, or really anything at all, but the whole experience ovrerall was a peice of cake.
But then you wake up. (Okay that's not so bad, because you're still kinda groggy and novicained up). But then you have the one hour drive home. Which is actually two hours because some higher power decided to hate you that day and put construction zones on every single effi'n road you have to drive home. And the big fat suck creeps in. And then BAM! You are in hell.
People, I gave birth to and 8.4 lb baby with a ginormous head and an accompanying arm, without pain meds. I am no stranger to pain (and managing it to a pretty good degree). The pain I experienced after getting my tooth pulled is pretty damn comparable.
Do you know what's more awesome? Yesterday I went back to the dentist and it turns out the very first doctor I saw FORGOT to tell the oral surgeon that I actually needed two teeth to be pulled. FORGOT?!!? Yeah, so I'll be going in for round two on July 25th. I will prepare better for the post tooth-pulling this time around, but in the meantime I have to try to rid my worries with the hopes that I take myself back to Fiji - and actually remember it.
One can hope right?
But then you wake up. (Okay that's not so bad, because you're still kinda groggy and novicained up). But then you have the one hour drive home. Which is actually two hours because some higher power decided to hate you that day and put construction zones on every single effi'n road you have to drive home. And the big fat suck creeps in. And then BAM! You are in hell.
People, I gave birth to and 8.4 lb baby with a ginormous head and an accompanying arm, without pain meds. I am no stranger to pain (and managing it to a pretty good degree). The pain I experienced after getting my tooth pulled is pretty damn comparable.
Do you know what's more awesome? Yesterday I went back to the dentist and it turns out the very first doctor I saw FORGOT to tell the oral surgeon that I actually needed two teeth to be pulled. FORGOT?!!? Yeah, so I'll be going in for round two on July 25th. I will prepare better for the post tooth-pulling this time around, but in the meantime I have to try to rid my worries with the hopes that I take myself back to Fiji - and actually remember it.
One can hope right?
Opens Heart, Crosses Fingers...
This post has been in the works for quite a while. It’s not groundbreaking, and probably not shocking (and certainly way too long). But for me, it’s a big deal. I don’t share a lot of serious stuff here. I’ve said it before and it couldn’t be more true – I’m pretty guarded. But my favorite blogs are the ones that are real, true and honest. I love to be all up in people’s business and love when they overshare. So it always comes as a shocking afterthought that I myself am not an over sharer. For whatever reason, I find it hard to really show my true self. And I’ve come to realize that’s the truth in real life too. I guess it’s fear of being vulnerable, of being judged, of seeming weak. I don’t really know. But there are so many times when I think to share something, and I hold back because I don’t want anyone to know that it’s been three whole weeks since I’ve cleaned the master bathroom, or that there’s clean unfolded laundry in a basket in my living room from four days ago. Or that M and I recently learned we can go nearly two weeks without talking rather than fight it out. Or that I find myself letting the Goose watch entirely too much TV and haven’t sat down with him and a stack of books in nearly a month.
The point is, I guess my guard is up because I’m always worried of what people will think. And at this point in my life, I have to start letting go. I have to start being real. With myself and with others. It’s scary, and people WILL judge. But I have to accept that and know that it all doesn’t matter. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and will take a long time, I imagine. It’s hard to make yourself open, both to strangers and people you consider close. Some struggle with it more than others, and I’d say I’m at the top of the list of those who struggle.
So this is my first attempt at opening up. I’ve already started out wordy, so let’s get straight to it.
I want another baby.
First, I want to say that besides M and about three people he’s talked about this with, nobody knows. Not my best friends, not my mother (who I happen to tell everything), no one. Goes to show how closed I am (I asked M to not talk about it, but I’m not mad).
Back in September/October, right when I was weaning from nursing, I couldn’t wait to get some freedom back. And by freedom, I mean partying. We had some parties and weddings coming up and I couldn’t wait. I wanted to be free of bodily obligations after about a year of a half of being pregnant and breastfeeding. I was a party girl before I got pregnant, and I did a 180 once I saw that plus sign on the pee-stick, and also through the year of the pumping. I was ready for a break. So I may or may not have had a major freakout when it was just a few days after the Gooses first birthday that I realized I was late. I was genuinely sad. I wasn’t ready, we didn’t plan for this to happen (again - I’ll explain later) and I just couldn’t bear the thought of going to all the parties and weddings pregnant. I waited an extra two days before I tested. I’m pretty sure I was too scared to confirm it.
But the pee-stick was negative. I couldn’t figure it out. It was then that M pointed out to me, “it’s probably the weaning, throwing your body all off”. And I realized he was right. Sure enough, about a week and a half later, it came. And I was genuinely relieved.
But then I started to wonder. How could I be so relieved? Some people pray to get the little plus sign, and here I am genuinely happy I didn’t. Did I really, really, REALLY not want another baby? Did I really want to wait another 9 months before even trying? And my mind told me yes, I needed a break for a while before we entertained the thought of even trying. M and I had talked about this, and I had told him that I wanted to wait until the following summer (aka, by the time your reading this) to try. I felt that I needed time. Oh yeah, and the whole “we-don’t-even-have-a-place-to-put-a-baby” issue, aka, “our-first-kid-lives-in-a-glorified-closet” and “our-upstairs-is-still-an-attic”. Would you like to know M’s response? “I feel like that’s a jinx, planning a baby. Whatever happens, we’d figure out a way”. I knew M would have been happy to hop back on the baby bus so soon, but he could see it my way too. In fact, he saw it my way so good, that he very shortly after hopped on my “let’s wait” team. (He always starts off with such great ideal intentions and I have a lovely way of rocking him back into reality. Aren’t I lovely?)
One wild party, one SERIOUS pukey hangover, and a mere three weeks later, and my whole thought process had changed. Apparently, what I really needed was a reality check. Yes I needed a break, but really, I just needed the realization that life was not what it used to be. Taking time off to enjoy parties only leads to time taking care of a one year old, hungover. And it’s not pretty. And it’s NOT what I want, unlike what I thought. Only three weeks prior, I hadn’t been ready. And here I was changing my mind so quickly. Just like a light switch, I didn’t want a break anymore. A case of déjà vu – let me explain…
Before and right after we got married, everyone started in with the question – “so you’re gonna have kids right away, right?”. And my answer was “No way, we’ll probably wait a few years”. I knew that I was still living the selfish lifestyle, enjoying being with M and our friends. I wasn’t ready (sound familiar). Then we got married. And I still wasn’t ready. (Sidenote – M would’ve started having kids about the day we laid eyes on eachother, so while that’s sweet, it’s not realistic. He realizes this and always agreed to take it at my pace, as long as it woudln’t take forever)
Then we started looking at houses. And something in me started to change. Every house I looked at I imagine filled with children and babies. I didn’t like certain ones b/c they didn’t seem family appropriate. And as the weeks went on I realized, I WAS ready. I wanted to start our family. I wanted to be done with the partying and drinking. JUST.LIKE.A.LIGHT.SWITCH (again, familiar?). It literally seemed to happen overnight. So when we put in our offer on the house we now call home (November 13th 2009, to be EXACT), I did so with the hope that babies would come sooner than later. M and I talked, and we decided that around spring/summer of 2010, we’d start trying. I finished up my birth control pills in December and started researching natural “family planning” birth control which involves temperature taking and such. At the end of December I ordered the proper thermometer to do just that. We were on our way.
Come Wednesday January 20th and I’m due for a period. Didn’t come, no biggie. I knew the first few cycles off BC could be wonky, and this was the first. Come Saturday January 23rd and I’m due for a girls night out, which involves lots of drinking. Casually, while M and I are food shopping that day, I tell him I need to buy a pregnancy test just to be sure I’m only late. Our “alone time” earlier that month was timed at a weird time, but we didn’t use backup so I just wanted to be sure – I wanted to party with the girls that night.
Or not. Three pink plus signs and two digital “PREGNANT” signs later, we were in awe. We weren’t even technically trying, it happened ONCE, and here we were. I was scared shitless, but happy. I honestly don’t think the reality of it all hit me until about 6 weeks after the Goose was born. Yeah, that long. It was such a shock. So while it wasn’t exactly an “accident”, it kind of was.
Let me reel you back on into current day. Looking back, we were SO LUCKY. We knew it then, but it really hits home now. If you read it correctly a few parahgraphs above, it was around November 2011 when I realized I was ready to get back on the baby bus. By December I was already back on the monitoring I had “planned” to do before we found out about the Goose. M was on board. We were ready to go.
And here we still are. Listen, I KNOW that 6 or 7 months is nowhere near a long time to try for a baby. But I guess I just expected it to happen with the snap of our fingers, just like last time. I never, ever, EVER expected it to hurt so bad to not be pregnant by now. It makes me look back and realize that I never truly appreciated how amazing being pregnant is (and I really loved it the first time around, too). I look back and think of those first few weeks with the Goose and almost wince at how badly I ache to have those back. And I look at the little boy he’s becoming and I cannot wait to go through it all again. On top of it all I just can’t wait to see how the Goose will do as a big brother. I’m so excited for it all, from thinking of a name (we don’t agree on much, which is why the Goose has the same name as his father), to trying to predict if it’s a boy or a girl (unlike the surprise revealing by our ultrasound tech like last time), to seeing our family grow, to literally finding a place to put this child. It’s all crazy and fun and amazing. I and I want it. I want to be pregnant so badly.
So there it is. It took a while to write, because I kept hoping I wouldn’t have to write it. But with our most recent results being a bust, I thought it was time. And it’s a little gratifying, to be able to open up. I’m not writing my heart out or anything, more setting up the scene here, but it’s more than I’ve ever done before. And I’ve revealed a little bit more about myself and our life in general. And this won’t be the end of this topic. Of course, hopefully the topic will change into happy news rather than my aching. And I promise, that if we get those little pink plus signs (well, now it’s two pink lines), you’ll know about it right away. Normally, I would have waited the first trimester out, but in keeping with my goal of opening up and keeping it real, I’m making it a promise to let the news out asap, come what may (well, at least to this blog here).
Happy Friday folks…back to your regularly scheduled light and fluffy material…
Sunday, May 20, 2012
It's summer
For most people, the start of summer is marked by Memorial day weekend. For us, it's the first time we don our bathing suits and actually get in the water. Today was that day.
My favorite kind of day. Summer is officially here and it's gonna be a good one.
My favorite kind of day. Summer is officially here and it's gonna be a good one.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Safety First
I kid you not. Spotted yesterday whilst cleaning out the bag o' crap from both our cars, packed before we bought or new one.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Wordless Wednesday: Easter
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| easter egg dying |
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| deep concentration |
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| he hated it at first. can you tell? |
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| but then we managed to turn it around |
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| after the egg dying. Too cute not to include |
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| easter morning |
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| the "whoa" face |
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| more whoa |
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